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I can’t take it anymore. I won’t. I can’t take feeling like this. I finally put my heart out there, totally unguarded, and for what? To have it thrown back at me…

I can’t. I won’t.

I can’t take this feeling of rejection. Feeling like she didn’t even care about my feelings. Like it was just another night to her.

I can’t. I won’t.

I can’t keep doing this to myself. I guess that I’ll just…fall back into myself. I’ll guard everything again. Because the pain this has caused me isn’t fun. It isn’t nice. It isn’t fair…

I can’t. I won’t.

But I can’t run away. No matter how much I try, I can’t run from her. It doesn’t matter how much it hurt. It doesn’t matter how crappy it makes me feel. I just can’t run away from her.

…so, I won’t.

Well, tonight was the night. I put my heart out there…

I asked Kat to marry me. I’ve never been more in love with anyone in my life. When I see my future, I only see one person there, and that’s her.

She didn’t, exactly, say no. But she said she needed time to think. Which…I don’t know…doesn’t exactly make me feel good.

But at least she didn’t say no…yet.

Sigh…

“Once I thought that I was in control
But that was just another trick of fate
Playing with my life
There have been some times
I was so tied up
And I said to myself
Gotta break it all
But didn’t really try”

So, after about a day of not seeing Kat, I finally saw her today. It started off innocent enough, with me giving her what I thought was a new nickname in “Kat”. It turns out it was something people had called her in the past, and she hadn’t been called in years. She likes the nickname, I think…

Then, things got, apparently, a little more complicated… I told her that she had my heart. Because she does. I told her my heart beats for her and her alone. Because it does. And…for some reason she was weirded out by that. You’d have thought I told her K had a second head, growing out from behind my knee cap.

Maybe it was too soon to tell her. But I can’t help how I feel. I love this girl more truly, more deeply, more completely than anyone I’ve ever known. But…I, apparently, can’t tell her that…

“Two hearts beating in this place you’ve made
You know nothing changes my Antarctica
One life pumping
We make love to make our heat
And we throb in my Antarctica”

“Just a perfect day
Problems are left alone
Weekenders on our own
Such fun

Just a perfect day
You made me forget myself
I thought I was someone else
Someone good.”

First date with Katie was tonight. And it was…amazing. Not what we did. The conversation we had, how beautiful she looked…everything was fantastic.

And she told me she loved me! I couldn’t believe it. To have such an amazing woman tell me something like that…it fills me. It completes me.

She completes me.

“Oh, it’s such a perfect day
I’m glad I spent it with you…”

So, today was a good day.

I took a giant leap of faith. I swallowed all the butterflies, stood firm on the ground, and I told Katie I think I’m in love with her. This was a big deal for me, because, so far, my track record with that word has been…spotty, at best.

Did she say it back? No. But that’s ok. I don’t want her to feel obligated to say it back, unless she truly means it. But I know that there is nothing else in this world I am more sure of.

However, she did kiss me, and kiss me good! There’s nothing better than the kiss of a beautiful woman…

After that, we decided that we would take a trip to Times Square. I kinda pushed a little for us to go there, but for good reason.

Just wait until she sees what I have planned…

“Safe, in the heat of the moment
A feeling that comes to me when I’m close to you”

In an effort to help myself see things in the world a little more clearly, I have decided to start writing down my thoughts and feelings about certain things in my world.

First and foremost on this list right now is my new relationship with one Katalina Sanders. Now, we’re both coming into this relationship guarded a bit, since both of us have our issues in the past that currently weigh heavy on our minds. Her’s is a little more intense than mine, but it’s not my story to tell. Mine is fairly simple: a break up that left me feeling cold, and a short relationship that left me hurt. I won’t go into the details of either, because I don’t feel it’s fair to the women involved to simply tell one side of the story. Suffice to say, both have left me feeling pretty bad about myself.

That was the case, until the first time I saw Katalina. I saw that she was beautiful, strong, and pretty sure of herself. Our initial contact was through S.H.I.E.L.D., the organization I currently sling arrows for, and she’s trying to join. When Fury told me about a simple surveillance mission, I had no idea that my life would change forever.

Watching her the first few days, I felt like I was watching something more. More than a potential agent, more than a new recruit. I felt as if I were watching my future. When I decided to interact with her (a pretty clear violation of protocol), my heart was taken. I learned why Fury wanted me specifically to watch over her: we both have pretty similar back stories.

Getting to know her over a couple of days was the best time I’ve had since I became an Avenger. She was smart, sure of herself, and dedicated. I knew then and there that my life was never going to be the same. We initially decided to be friends, with her helping me see things in the world that I had forgotten or missed, and me helping her get over a painful part of her past, something I had to do myself years ago.

Then, one night, I received a text, asking me to come to her place. Never one to pass up a chance to talk directly with a beautiful lady, I jumped at the opportunity. That was when she laid it on me: she’d like to be more than friends, but take everything slow. I was more than happy to oblige that, because the I had jumped into my previous relationship unguarded, and had been hurt pretty deep.

Now, the more we interact, the more enamored I become. I feel good. I feel loved. I feel…safe.

“Safe, at the speed of atonement
A feeling that runs so deep
That it scares me, too.”